18) Cancer Gifts

SessionPreviewImage (3)The cancer gift.  Getting diagnosed with cancer is arguably a life changing event. Some people may feel this is a very private and personal issue that they may not wish to share.  I can see that this would be even more likely to be the case when it’s in your very private and personal parts.  I was upfront with plenty of people from the start. For me, it’s too difficult to try to explain why you’ve disappeared from work for a couple of months, and why you potentially can’t do this’ that and the other for a while, and remember who you’ve said what to. Sooner or later I figure that I’ll let something slip, or someone will see me at the hospital, or maybe wifey might cry at work.  Or even I may cry at work one day.  So may as well be upfront and out there. That’s me.  It won’t suit everyone, I appreciate that, but it works for me, and I believe that the more open and out there with it we are, the more likely others are to be as well, the end result being more people seeking screening programs or treatment, and saving lives and families.

This brings me on to my new idea. Now obviously I have a vested interest in this plan, but it does have altruistic spine.  The cancer gift. If you have a dear friend who has just been diagnosed with cancer, buy them a present.  Seriously.  What do have to lose?  20 or 30 bucks, and a lifetimes friendship, probably.  Not true.  Your friends are your friends. Granted a couple may drift away as your interests and lifestyles vary on your life’s journey, but for the most part, our friends are our friends because they care about us. When I got my diagnosis, we had some lovely flowers and a card arrive from one direction (not the band, although I’d welcome my cancer gift that they sent me) a lovely coffee session, and a cancer pack, with ingredients as diverse as kombucha, choccies and wine.  How did these make me feel?

Fucking great!

It’s not the actual gift, it’s the sentiment behind it, although the actual gift was certainly well received.  The premise of the cancer gift is to show support.  Offer a ray of sunshine, of hope and a glimpse of happiness to come.  People are thinking about you, and that really helps.  Seriously, it really, really helps, and to those people, thank you x.

You know your friends and families best, you know how they are likely to react, and I’m keen not to start something that is seen to celebrate something as dire as cancer.  However, saying that, we can say it is a celebration of finding out, and starting treatment, so diagnosis is a good thing, because if the diagnosis was not made, your body clock would carry on ticking to oblivion with you unaware of the carnage just around the corner.  Being diagnosed with terminal cancer could make the cancer gift more difficult, but we just have to be more creative with our present.  Skip the season ticket for Man United, and perhaps go for the bungee jump instead.  A top end tea mug or pot.  A “I’m thinking of you”  key ring, a picture of something you once did together.  If I was terminal, and someone could get a picture of the day that fucking horse ran off with me on it, that would be wonderful.  Especially it was on a canvas for my wall.

We have events for birthdays, and really, once you are over 21, what is there to celebrate about a birthday?  Congratulations on dodging the Grim Reaper for another year, and by the way, you just used another 70th of your allotted time.  Not much to celebrate.  We also mark being a parent, being a parent of a parent, Valentines day.  What’s all that about?  If you don’t send a card to your wife on Valentines day, despite having the prior discussion that you won’t be spending any money on it because it’s commercialised crap, you are in the doghouse.  Nookie free Valentines day for you sunshine.  If you send an anonymous card to school kids, you look like a stalker.  That’s other school kids sending to school kids.  If I sent one to a school kid, I’d look considerably worse than a stalker.  If you didn’t get one at school, it made you look like the greasy, spotty, geeky twat that I was.  If someone got more than one, they were a slapper, the school bike.  How to make kids and young adults feel good about themselves…  But hey, we, as a society, do it.  We also mark the momentous occasion of my job’s special day, for me that’s May 12th.  International Teachers Day is 5th October.  I though it was every Friday, starting at 3pm.  May 25th is Geek Pride Day.  This is the pun fart, 22nd July is National Spoonerism day.  Sorry.  In the UK, plough Monday is on the first day of freshers week.  Not true, it’s the first day of the agricultural season.  Today is talk like a pirate day.  Next week is world bisexuality day, ironically followed by world contraception day.  International Women’s day is in March.  International Man’s day in November, shared with World Toilet day.  Thanks.  October is Sarcasm month, and also the month I have my surgery, so gorgeous, but sarcastic wife will have a field day.  Finally the 21st December is Global Orgasm day.  Apparently the energy of the earth can be altered by us all furiously masturbating at the same time, resulting in an end to wars and violence in the world.  If you are actually in a war on that date, you are probably better off sticking to the task in hand rather than having a wafty crank in your tank/missile silo/submarine.  Sorry.  Again.

My point is, that if we can celebrate all that nonsensical tripe , that when your mates get the big C,  taking them a little something will really help.  And compared to a card that says well done for surviving another year, getting one that says, I’m all for you surviving some more years, and I’ll be with you every step of the way, is a vast improvement in my mind.

After all, you would send flowers and shit when they’re dead wouldn’t you?

When they are dead!

What fucking use is that? Give them the bloody flowers when they’re alive. I can’t actually believe that this is human custom and practice- who feels better after sending flowers to a dead person.  Not the poor fucker laying in the casket, that’s for sure.  So, just in case I die on my journey, from blood loss, heart attack, stroke or if metal mickey fucks up, don’t send me flowers.  Send my wife and kids something useful.  Like a car wash voucher,  an accountant, or a years supply of lawn mowing- just make sure he’s old and decrepit looking.  The last thing I’ll need when I’m recently dead is looking down from above on a scene from Lady Chatterly.

Now I’m not angling for gifts for myself, ha ha, but if any of my friends are secret millionaires, a high end gaming laptop would see me through the next few months when I can only venture more than ten feet from the pisser accompanied by a wet floor sign.

And if anyone buys me a cock pump, I’ll come round and stick it up your arse.

5 thoughts on “18) Cancer Gifts

    1. I think you’ll find you still owe me a hamster from when I left Fat Ginger Spice in your hands when we went to Ibiza in 1997. You should know I am in the final stages now if the grieving process, after the shock of her sudden demise, and am not quite ready to accept a substitute.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ahh Ginger Spice was a nasty little beast waiting til the day before your return to die! I bet if I’d not mentioned your homecoming it would have still been alive!
        Oh my! Have you found the hippy? I can’t believe the hippy is lost. Get what do you call him…….Fat Bastard Head to search out some photos and post them on social media……
        We need to find him.
        Don’t grieve the hamster , grieve the hippy? 😂😂😂😂😂
        I’m making myself laugh 🤣🤣

        Liked by 2 people

  1. I’m only at this point in the story, on 1 Jan 19, so I don’t know whether you end up with a cockpump, but I won’t be sending you mine. If I did and you did as threatened, recovering from Pc would be the least of my worries! OUCH!!!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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